A really long time has gone by since my last post and really since I've exercised. School started again and I have been dragging my feet to do anything. Then my grandma has been in the hospital and she died just a couple weeks ago. My life has been full of ups and downs since the last time I posted. The weird thing about me is that when I'm stressed out or REALLY happy, I eat a LOT! When I'm depressed, I don't eat very much. Unfortunately (I guess) for me, since we have moved to Vancouver, I have been more stressed out and happy and a lot less depressed.
I'm glad I'm happy, but it makes it so that I don't notice that I'm fat. I'm just so happy being the person that I am, that I don't notice that I'm way over weight, I can't bend over to tie my shoes, I can't shave my legs well, I can't paint my toe nails, and I can't keep up with my kids. I guess that when I'm happy, I'm in denial that I'm fat. It makes it hard to stay on track when I keep telling myself that I look good....and I really believe it.
I'm reminded of how fat I am every Tuesday night when the contestants of "Biggest Loser" weigh in and they weigh less than me, but still look uncomfortably huge. I'm also reminded of how fat I am when my friends talk to me about the diet they are on, what exercise program they are doing, or what pill they are now taking to make them skinny. Also, every time I walk into my children's school or when I hear people making fun of fat people. This week, we went to a Blazer game. I was having a great time, and then the showed this lady in the crowd who had won Subway for a year. She was heavier, and the guy sitting next to me starting cracking up. He was hysterical that this FATASS lady had won Subway for a year. He carried on for quite some time and I really wanted to punch him in the face. He has no idea why that lady is fat....So, that was extra depressing 'cause I'm sitting right next to him and I am fatter than that lady was.
We are supposed to take a long hike this August...that leaves me about 6 months to get into shape to take this hike. I have to get my butt in gear, but I never have time or motivation when I have the time. We have been buying stuff here and there to keep us motivated to work out....so far, it's only stressed me out that I won't be ready in time. I know how hard I have to work to get ready for this. I'm just not thinking positively enough. Instead, I'm thinking that those diet pills sound pretty good....or surgery would be nice.
Today, I decided to write in my journal again and get back into this because I was depressed. Last night we went to an event for my daughter. One of the moms there was getting her picture taken by her husband....it made me think. My husband never takes my picture any more. It's like he doesn't even think about it...which makes me think that I'm not pretty enough (because I'm too fat) to have my picture taken. I took a bunch of pictures of me with his phone and he erased them all. I think he's embarrassed of me and that hurts me a lot. I never wanted to be this size...EVER! I just don't know what to do now to fix it. I feel like it's a lost cause!
This summer, we also have a wedding and I have to take another PE class with my classmates. I have to be able to make it through all of these events and the only way I can is by losing weight....I just don't know how!
Hopefully my journal will help again...it helped before!
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