More Things I Did In The Past Two Years

I have been thinking about my last post ever since I wrote it.  I forgot to mention some other great things I did that I thought I couldn't do as a heavy person. 

First of all, I never thought I would go on a plane because I didn't want to be embarrassed if I needed a seatbelt extender.  Worse yet, I heard stories of women who were asked to purchase an extra ticket because they took up to much room.  I was so worried either one of those things would happen to me.  I flew though.  Twice.  The first time we went to Vegas.  I wasn't very confident at that time still, but I made it...no seatbelt extender needed.  It wasn't exactly a comfy trip, but I got there.  Then, we flew to Hawaii.  Flying was a feat again, but going to the beach in my swimming suit and hanging out all day in it was a huge triumph.  I did it though.  I don't have pictures to prove it, but it happened.  :-)

Still, the thing I'm most proud of is the hike we took in August 2010.  We hiked the Lakes Basin in the Eagle Cap Wilderness.  We hiked a total of 26 miles with an elevation change around 2500 feet.  I was the largest person we met on the trail and the only girl who had a pack a large as mine.  I packed close to 30 lbs and we traveled almost daily.  Several times I thought I was going to die, but I didn't.  I made it.  Not without tears, but I made it.  When we reached the top of the pass, it was the best feeling ever.  I will do it again and I know I can do it at any weight, but I slowed my hubby down a lot.  I hope to make this hike or one similar again next summer, but I hope to at least be in better shape if not also a lighter weight.

Still, more proof that your weight should not hold you back from doing the things you want to do.  Would weighing less make it easier?  Yes, but being heavier doesn't make it impossible.

Back Again!

Wow!   It has been almost two and a half years since I last posted and let me tell you, a lot of things have changed in my life but my weight is not one of them.  The funny thing is, I was reading back through my posts and they are so depressing.  It made me realize how sad it was to be me back then.  I never wanted this blog to be a poor me blog.  I wanted to help myself, be successful, and help others.  As I was reading back through posts, I realized that I was a Debbie Downer.  I don't want to be that person anymore and, I don't think I am.

Since the last time I blogged, I finished student teaching, graduated from college, got a job teaching 8th grade math, had an emergency appendectomy, was diagnosed with ADHD, gained a new love for my husband, and become a confident sexy woman...all without losing weight.  I have to stop thinking my weight is holding me back!  It isn't/wasn't, I was.  I have learned to love me for me and see myself as sexy.  Even at 115 pounds, I never thought I was beautiful or sexy.  So, watch out world, this summer has rocked my self confidence.

Do I still want to be skinny? Yes!  Does it rule my life?  No!

I want to be at healthy weight and I'm slowly beginning to see myself as capable of handling the changes I need to make to get there.  It's not another Burdon (?sp) on my plate.  It's something I can handle and want to take part in.  I've never felt this way about it before.  That makes me excited. 

I still love food, but it's not my crutch.  I can love something and not eat it all.  I can eat a whole batch of cookies and try harder the next day.  It doesn't make me a bad person or a loser.

I'm nervous I won't feel this way forever and I'm nervous that I still won't lose weight, but I'm going to try to put some supports in place to help keep me from failing.  First, I'm buying clothes that make me feel good now!  Second, I'm going to get help from my doctor.  Third, I'm going to hire a personal trainer so I have to be accountable to one more person.  Fourth, I'm getting my gym membership back and some new sexy workout clothes.  Fifth, I'm going to start tanning...I feel sexier when I'm tan.  Sixth, I'm setting 25 pound goals and tattoo rewards when I reach those goals.  Seventh, I'm realizing that I'm going to be hungry and it'll be okay.  Finally...well, kind of finally...I'm going to love me and my family every day; not just on days when I feel like it!

As of today, I weigh 266.4.  I'm celebrating being down .4 lbs so far this week.  5 days to go, but I'm taking it day by day.  :-) 

273.8: WTF? +4 lbs in 4 days!

So, I gained 4 lbs this week!  I had been working out regularly, felt better, was less tired, had more engergy to do things and then...I went to my parents for the weekend.  I thought I would still workout, but my dad got sick and had to go to the doctor.  He's still there.  I didn't eat a LOT when I was there, of course, there is never a LOT to eat there.  I guess it's just stress, but really, who gains 4 lbs in one week.  Isn't that just a little rediculous?  I just don't get it.  I wasn't lazy, when I did over eat, it wasn't any more than usual. 

I'm just frustrated.  The week before I lost 3 lbs.  I was so happy.  Working out had paid off.  Then, this week, I gain it all back plus some!  I need to count calories again, I know.  If I only had time.  Why is life so frustrating??? 

I'm keeping this one short.  I will get back to the gym and I will work out, but I feel like the girl on Biggest Loser who purposfully gains weight.  I didn't, but who's going to believe that I didn't eat that much?  I didn't even have a single donut...which is a staple at my parents house.  Most times we eat two meals of donuts....

268.8 ~ Down a little.

Well, I lost a little more weight.  Haven't been exercising, haven't had time....or really will.  Which I guess is why I haven't MADE time.  My life has been so freaking crazy the past 3 weeks.  I am just happy I made it through them.  Many more bad ones to come I'm sure.  I need to go workout tonight, but I probably won't.  I have homework to do and shopping to do and yada, yada, yada.  It would probably be good for me to go, but I do need to do everything else still....

Yet, I wasted a whole day doing nothing, but playing with pictures.  I could have gone to the gym today or done my homework today or even taken a shower today...WTF is wrong with me?  My husband would say nothing, I just have a stressful life and I need breaks once in awhile.  I'd say he's right, but working out could be a break if I wanted it to be.  I'm just to lazy to do anything productive!  That's irritating!

So, yes I lost weight.  No it probably won't stay off!  And no, I'm not going to the gym tonight.  I say later and later never comes.  Until it's to late that is.  So, for today, I continue to say later.....

271.5 (First weigh-in after purchasing gym membership)

What a good week! I can't complain about a 3 lb loss!

We worked out 3 days in a row last week, then had to skip a day, because we ran out of time. Then the next day I was planning 2 workouts so I worked out in the morning. That night, we didn't have a chance to workout again. So, I was glad I got in my little workout that morning. Still, I was disappointed. Then the next day we traveled to my mothers -- which is never good for my eating habits. We stayed the night and came home late last night. So, another 2 days without a workout. It was a positive start and a lousy ending to the week. Still, it resulted in a loss! YIPEE!

I hope my hubby did just as well or better. He had one less workout than me, but he always works harder than me at everything so he should still be fine! Today it may be hard to find time to workout again....we need to celebrate Valentines day with our kiddos today and I'm trying to plan a workout to fit into all this! :)

The even better news for the weekend is that we had 200 boxes of Girl Scout cookies at our house and I didn't eat any (except at my moms). Of course, they weren't all for us! :) I didn't even (and still haven't) have any craving or urge to eat them....they're just there and I don't want them! LOVE IT! I'm hoping to get them out of the house before I change my mind!

So, I'm happy about this weeks loss....hopefully I can get in all my workouts for this week. Another 3 lbs would be awesome for this week....although, in the back of my head I'm hoping for 5 or more! This is how I continually set myself up for failure.

Hopefully, I won't be disappointed if I lose less than 3.......

Gym Membership!

Well, I took another step towards success.....HOPEFULLY! I purchased a year long pass to a fitness center. It cost a fortune so hopefully I'll use it! My goal is to work out everyday -- planning to spend 1 1/2 hours at the gym.

We did just that tonight! We went and worked out for most of that time...of course, there is always down time while waiting for machines or trying to figure out how to use them! I started with the bike. I rode it for 30 minutes and averaged 18 mph. I went a little over 9 miles. It was awesome! My record at home was 7 miles in 30 minutes. I worked my butt off and I was pretty proud of myself. Then we moved on to weights! My arms are sore tonight though so hopefully I'll be sore tomorrow! Not too sore though! I need to be able to go back!

I only have 6 months to be in shape for our hike....less time for the wedding we are going to and even less time for the PE class I have to take this summer. I think that an hour and a half at the gym will help...I hope so anyways!

I did well on my calorie intake today too. I do want some chocolate right now though. I'm hoping to fend that off for a little longer....like until I go to bed!

Over all though, a great start to my gym membership! Yeah for us! :)

LONG TIME

~tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this entry~

A really long time has gone by since my last post and really since I've exercised. School started again and I have been dragging my feet to do anything. Then my grandma has been in the hospital and she died just a couple weeks ago. My life has been full of ups and downs since the last time I posted. The weird thing about me is that when I'm stressed out or REALLY happy, I eat a LOT! When I'm depressed, I don't eat very much. Unfortunately (I guess) for me, since we have moved to Vancouver, I have been more stressed out and happy and a lot less depressed.

I'm glad I'm happy, but it makes it so that I don't notice that I'm fat. I'm just so happy being the person that I am, that I don't notice that I'm way over weight, I can't bend over to tie my shoes, I can't shave my legs well, I can't paint my toe nails, and I can't keep up with my kids. I guess that when I'm happy, I'm in denial that I'm fat. It makes it hard to stay on track when I keep telling myself that I look good....and I really believe it.

I'm reminded of how fat I am every Tuesday night when the contestants of "Biggest Loser" weigh in and they weigh less than me, but still look uncomfortably huge. I'm also reminded of how fat I am when my friends talk to me about the diet they are on, what exercise program they are doing, or what pill they are now taking to make them skinny. Also, every time I walk into my children's school or when I hear people making fun of fat people. This week, we went to a Blazer game. I was having a great time, and then the showed this lady in the crowd who had won Subway for a year. She was heavier, and the guy sitting next to me starting cracking up. He was hysterical that this FATASS lady had won Subway for a year. He carried on for quite some time and I really wanted to punch him in the face. He has no idea why that lady is fat....So, that was extra depressing 'cause I'm sitting right next to him and I am fatter than that lady was.

We are supposed to take a long hike this August...that leaves me about 6 months to get into shape to take this hike. I have to get my butt in gear, but I never have time or motivation when I have the time. We have been buying stuff here and there to keep us motivated to work out....so far, it's only stressed me out that I won't be ready in time. I know how hard I have to work to get ready for this. I'm just not thinking positively enough. Instead, I'm thinking that those diet pills sound pretty good....or surgery would be nice.

Today, I decided to write in my journal again and get back into this because I was depressed. Last night we went to an event for my daughter. One of the moms there was getting her picture taken by her husband....it made me think. My husband never takes my picture any more. It's like he doesn't even think about it...which makes me think that I'm not pretty enough (because I'm too fat) to have my picture taken. I took a bunch of pictures of me with his phone and he erased them all. I think he's embarrassed of me and that hurts me a lot. I never wanted to be this size...EVER! I just don't know what to do now to fix it. I feel like it's a lost cause!

This summer, we also have a wedding and I have to take another PE class with my classmates. I have to be able to make it through all of these events and the only way I can is by losing weight....I just don't know how!

Hopefully my journal will help again...it helped before!

22 Days without a POST.....YIKES!

Well, I'm not sure where I left off, but I know where I've been.

I haven't lost any more weight since the last time I blogged. I haven't gained any either. I also haven't exercised or put my food into calorie count.....up until 9 days ago.

9 days ago, I tried to start counting calories again, but failed. So, yesterday, I started again. I put the food I ate yesterday in. I was over my goal for the day, but not by much. I also got back on the bike and rode it 6 miles. I was riding it 7 miles in 30 minutes, but I'll have to work back up to 7 miles. Oh, and I lifted weights for 20 minutes yesterday....nothing fancy, just curls, but my arms are a little sore! That's good right!

This morning, I rode the bike 6 miles again, but I didn't lift weights. I'll do that again tomorrow. I think my arms needed a little break. Anyways, it feels great to be exercising again! I felt much happier yesterday! I'm very happy for that! :)

So, hopefully I'm back on track.....hopefully forever, but probably for now. The great news is, I didn't gain any weight while I was off my diet. :) That also makes me happy!

Sometimes, I just forget how badly I want to be skinny! I really do want to be skinny. At least be able to feel good in my clothes. And I really want to be able to look at a picture of myself and not judge me.....or crop me out of it. That'll be so AWESOME! I think it's going to happen!

Oh, on a lighter note! The Seahawks play this Saturday! YIPEE! :) I'll have to have healthier snacks handy. It's still pre-season so we don't get into it quite as much, but once the real season starts, I need to be prepared! :)

Another Bad Week!

Okay! I get it! I need to count calories, but I honestly didn't think I was going to be doing it for the rest of my life! I thought I was doing pretty good this week. I haven't rode the bike like I should have, but I did take a 4 hour hike.

Still, I weigh more this week than last. I think it does have a little to do with the heat and probably something to do with my scale, but still!!!

Yesterday I weighed even more and when I weigh more than the week before, it ruins my whole day. I had the worst day yesterday!

I know I have to start counting calories again, but am I going to have to do it forever?

Whoops! Forgot My Weigh In!

I put in my weight last night...I was a day late! I didn't realize it until I asked my hubby if he had put in his weight for the day. He let me know that yesterday was actually Thursday. Boy how times flies when I'm in school! I weighed the same both days so it didn't really matter.

I weighed 263.5....I lost 2 lbs this week. Still not back to where I was two weeks ago! It's a start though!

I've had a rough week! I guess I've had a rough couple weeks as far as my diet goes! But this week I finished a class, had a couple papers to write, met my cousin for drinks and music until 2 am, and oh yeah....my grandma was in a car wreck....she's still in the hospital. Life is always a challenge when dieting! And now it's hot again. So, I'm really swollen.

I have two weeks of school left. I can't wait two more weeks to get my butt in gear! I'm setting my next goal for Wednesday today! My goal for this week is to be in the 50s. We'll see! First step: work out!