So, over the past week I've been fairly active. We went hiking again....I thought I was going to die! I was actually crying on the hike because I couldn't go very fast. The first 1/2 was all up hill (as you'd expect) and I had to stop a lot. My family was way ahead of me, which was fine with me. I didn't want to slow them down or my kids to see me struggling.
It was hard for me. I don't see myself this way. I don't think of me as fat....unless I'm out in public where there are other people around....
My point is, throughout the day, I do not look in the mirror (morning and night are the exception). I go in and out of the bathroom several times a day and I never look in the mirror.....at least, not below my neck. To me, I am still the same skinny person I was in high school. There are always times during the day that I am reminded that I am not that skinny person.
The one that I hate the most is when I get up off the couch. I absolutely hate sitting on our couch when we have company. Especially if I'm wearing jeans. We have a microfiber couch and you can see everything on it. So, when I get up, there is a pocket print left on the couch. My pocket print is about 8 inches wide. Not only is there one pocket print, but there are two and those two HUGE pocket prints are surrounded by the shape of my butt which extends out past the pocket prints. It's sad. I try to not let it bother me, but it does. Especially if I didn't wipe it off when I got up and then I come back to find it later.....which is the way it usually happens!
Okay, back to the hike. So, since I think I'm still a skinny person and I can do what skinny people do. It bothers me when I can't keep up with my family on a hike. These aren't hard hikes. I think we gained like 600 feet in elevation in like a mile and a 1/2. Still, my heart was beating so hard every time I had to stop, I could feel it beating in my eyes and ears. I can hear myself breathing when we are walking up the hills and I hate the fact that other people can hear me too.
At one point along the hike I almost lost it. I had already been crying a little, sad that I was failing so miserably. But at this one point, near the top, I said to my husband, "I can't do it. I can't make it." He told me I could, that I was doing great, and that we were almost to the top. Here I am trying to walk up the damn hill and all I can think about is how fat I am. That I'm carrying a 140 lb person on my back and I'm trying so freaking hard, but I can't do it. I was happy before, sitting on the couch and being fat. It wasn't hard!
But let me tell you, when I made it to the top and I saw the view, it really made me cry. I stood up on a rock and felt so much pride for what I had just accomplished! I know, it's an easy hike, but it wasn't easy for me. I thanked my husband for pushing me. Without him I surely would have turn around and walked back down the hill to the car and I would have missed the beautiful views from the top! I realize now that maybe I failed before because we weren't working out together and when I thought I couldn't do it, I quit. I need him to tell me to keep going and that I'm doing great, even when I don't believe it.
Not only did I take I hike, but I walked home from my older kids school (a little over a mile away) the other day. I was alone, but I was determined that I could do it. I also I walked my youngest son to school (1.3 miles away) with the intention of walking home too. I only made it a little way home then my sister picked me up, but that wasn't by my choice. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't scared to walk to those places. I knew I could make it. It was only a mile or two and it was on flat ground. I knew I could do it because we had been hiking! I love hiking....I may suck at it right now, but it's going to get better!
Oh yeah, I may have a problem. So, I weighed this morning and I weigh 2 lbs more than my last weigh in. I've been eating less than my recommended (goal) calorie intake. Which is 1650 calories a day. I've been eating 1500 something a day (and finally yesterday I didn't feel like I was starving). I religiously (maybe more like obsessively) count calories throughout the day. When I lost weight during the first week, I ate more calories and exercised less. So, if tomorrow when I weigh in, I don't weigh less, I'm going to start eating more.
It's going to be hard for me to up my calorie intake. I went in this morning on calorie count and changed my activity level and it told me my new recommended calorie intake was 1900. So, I'm sure that I need to be eating more, but I don't want to. I've just figured out what I can eat in a day and I've gotten pretty good at getting close to my goal, but now I have to add 300 more calories a day. That's really not that much when you think about it. One more piece of chicken and another piece of bread. Still, I don't like it! I feel like right now, I'm eating and thinking about food like a skinny person! We eat a lot healthier than we ever have, but we haven't limited our choices at all. We can still have whatever we want, which I love!
So, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've almost went into not wanting to eat at all mode. Not that I don't love food, I just don't want to eat to many calories. Right now, I think that's a good thing for me. I have a LOVE for food and we are pretty good cooks which makes it hard to stop eating sometimes!
Oh yeah, and by the way, yesterday we bought a recumbent bike. I rode it for 50 minutes (2 sittings) and went about 10 miles. I can't wait to use it again today!
One last thing....we have also been searching for hiking supplies for our trip next summer. It's fun. We haven't bought anything yet, but we are hoping to add a few things this summer....maybe sleeping bags.
I think we are going to get there. :)
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
About Me & My Life (The Background Stuff)
Hello! I am a 28 year old mother of 4. I have a wonderful husband. We have been married for 10 years and together for 13. I have been a day care provider for almost 5 years. I've had the same two children the whole time. Recently I added one more child to the group....still trying to see where that will go.
Two years ago I went back to school to pursue a degree in teaching. This was hard for me because I always thought I was going to be a stay at home mom. I didn't see the need for a career outside of the home. However, I think my struggles with depression for the eight years before that helped me decide I needed a change.
I love being a mother and wife more than anything in the world, but for 10 years I have put myself second. Always making time for others and never for myself! Going back to school was my way of making time for me. It gave me a few hours out of the house every week. I think it has been a great confidence booster!
This June I will graduate from college with my associates degree. In June I will also transfer to a larger school to get my bachelors in teaching. I am excited to start my new journey at a new school.
Before marriage, I was still in high school. So, my life after high school, in the "real world," has been mostly marriage and kids and it has taken a toll on my body and my mind. Going back to college has helped my mind, but my body....well, that's another story!
In high school, I was skinny. Although I didn't know it at the time! We never do right? :) I played volleyball, basketball, and was a cheerleader. I loved basketball. I even believed I had a chance to play college ball....I was hoping for Stanford. Okay, you may be thinking she must have been pretty good.....no, I wasn't. I was alright, but not great and on top of that, I'm only 5 foot 7, okay 6. The beginning of my Junior year our volleyball team lost a game pretty badly. So, after the game our coach had us stay after and serve for what seemed like hours. I hurt my right shoulder that night. I finished out the season keeping stats for the football team. Basketball started in December and I started it with my team. I had my shoulder strapped into a brace, but I had figured out how to shoot with it on. A couple weeks in, I was warming up before a game, shooting around, and my shoulder just gave way. It hurt so bad, my mom took me straight to the doctor, I missed the whole game. He scheduled me to meet with a specialist and which lead to right shoulder surgery the day after Christmas. My senior year instead of volleyball and basketball, I started cheer leading. In high school, had a passion for something. Something for me! I haven't had that feeling since my senior year!
My husband and I started dating at the end of our Sophomore year. We knew we were gonna get married right away, sometimes you just know things like that. February of my senior year I got pregnant....we decided we were going to keep the baby. We were happy, my parents were very supportive. Everything was good, but in April after a week of bleeding and bed rest I lost the baby. After that, I became very depressed. I cried a lot! Between April and October I gained 50 pounds, and weighed in at an amazing 180 lbs. In October, my hubby, then live in boyfriend, and I became pregnant again. We were both so happy! We gave birth to a baby girl 9 months later!
I lost all but 5 pounds from my pregnancy pretty quickly. I didn't really do anything to lose it, looking back, I honestly believe I was depressed. Not about the baby, but about the way my life was, my hubby (oh, we got married 4 months before the baby was born) was working out of town, I was alone with the baby, my parents lived hundreds of miles away, all my friends were off at college! Who wouldn't be depressed?
Two years later I was seven months pregnant with our second child. I hadn't gained any weight in that pregnancy. I was working and a busy mama, I also think I was still depressed. My hubby was home now, but we didn't have any money. I worked like 16 hours a week and that was our only income. I think I made like $5.35 an hour. It wasn't good!
When our second daughter was born in October, I became very depressed. It didn't seem like much at first, but after four months, I was having visions of killing myself and hurting the baby. It was horrible and one of the worst things I have ever had to go through! One day my husband drove me to the doctors, my parents met us there. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and put on medication.
I started seeing a therapist and I think that, and the meds, helped. It took about a month and a half for me to start feeling like myself again, but I did. I loved my kids and my family. I was embarrassed of what I had gone through and the feelings that I had, had. Luckily, my husband was incredibly supportive.
15 months after my second daughter was born, I gave birth to our first son. It was an amazing birth. Picture perfect. :) We were a happy family, new house, new baby, two beautiful little girls. It didn't take long for the postpartum depression to sink back in. One week after leaving the hospital, I started having signs that it was back! I called my doctor immediately and they put me on meds. Within two weeks, I was back to me!
I was so happy that I knew the signs of postpartum depression this time. I wish everyone knew more about it. It's just one of those things that even when you know you have it, you still don't want to have to admit it. It's like saying, "hey everyone, look at me. I'm crazy!" The truth is you're not crazy! I believe more people experience it than we know. I'm glad that there is more about it in the media. Word of mouth isn't always a bad thing!
So, after my third child, I weighed 210 pounds. I felt like a blimp. I wasn't exactly skinny, but I was active and I was healthy.
I gave birth to my fourth child two years after my third. Another boy. He was great. The whole experience was relaxing. I choose a midwife for this baby and I think that was probably the best decision I have ever made. She made my whole pregnancy enjoyable. She was very in-tune to my feelings and needs throughout my pregnancy and delivery and NEVER once made me feel fat....something every other doctor failed at!
After my fourth child was born, I weighed 210 lbs. I stayed that way for about a year and then all of a sudden, in one month, I gained 20 lbs. I hadn't done anything different, absolutely nothing in my life changed. If freaked me out a little. So, I went to the doctor....hoping for an answer.
He tested my thyroid and found nothing. He told me I was a healthy woman and I shouldn't worry so much! I didn't care much for his advice, but he was the doctor. Even worse, at that same appointment (which happened to be my annual check up as well), while he was feeling my breasts for lumps and bumps, he said, "did you breast feed all of your children?" (I did breastfeed all of my children and I am a busty woman) I wanted to grab him around the throat and choke him! Who in the world says that to a woman as you are holding her breasts in your hands. Talk about depression! So, now I weigh 230 pounds and I have saggy mom boobs! GREAT! Thanks Doc!
That almost brings me up to now. What I have decided is that depression is the only thing that keeps my weight down. I don't understand it, but I'm very happy now. Have been for the past two years, but that hasn't stopped me from gaining weight. In fact, as of today, I weigh 282 pounds! And the only thing depressing in my life is my weight. I'm happy. REALLY! I'm not just saying that, but I'm not happy with my weight. No one knows how much I weigh. I don't even want to look, but I'm starting something new!
Tomorrow, I will weigh, record it on here and keep track of my struggles and successes with my weight. Every time I have tried to lose weight in the past few years, I have lost weight and then gained it back plus more! The word diet scares the hell out of me! I don't want to weigh any more. I'm pretty good at maintaining my weight....at least for 11 months out of the year. It's that one month that screws me up! So, my hubby is going to lose weight with me. His goal is to lose 50 pounds....my goal, 142 pounds. That's more than 1/2 of me. Yikes! I haven't weighed that little since April 1998.
Hopefully you'll follow me along my journey. Maybe even join me! :)
Two years ago I went back to school to pursue a degree in teaching. This was hard for me because I always thought I was going to be a stay at home mom. I didn't see the need for a career outside of the home. However, I think my struggles with depression for the eight years before that helped me decide I needed a change.
I love being a mother and wife more than anything in the world, but for 10 years I have put myself second. Always making time for others and never for myself! Going back to school was my way of making time for me. It gave me a few hours out of the house every week. I think it has been a great confidence booster!
This June I will graduate from college with my associates degree. In June I will also transfer to a larger school to get my bachelors in teaching. I am excited to start my new journey at a new school.
Before marriage, I was still in high school. So, my life after high school, in the "real world," has been mostly marriage and kids and it has taken a toll on my body and my mind. Going back to college has helped my mind, but my body....well, that's another story!
In high school, I was skinny. Although I didn't know it at the time! We never do right? :) I played volleyball, basketball, and was a cheerleader. I loved basketball. I even believed I had a chance to play college ball....I was hoping for Stanford. Okay, you may be thinking she must have been pretty good.....no, I wasn't. I was alright, but not great and on top of that, I'm only 5 foot 7, okay 6. The beginning of my Junior year our volleyball team lost a game pretty badly. So, after the game our coach had us stay after and serve for what seemed like hours. I hurt my right shoulder that night. I finished out the season keeping stats for the football team. Basketball started in December and I started it with my team. I had my shoulder strapped into a brace, but I had figured out how to shoot with it on. A couple weeks in, I was warming up before a game, shooting around, and my shoulder just gave way. It hurt so bad, my mom took me straight to the doctor, I missed the whole game. He scheduled me to meet with a specialist and which lead to right shoulder surgery the day after Christmas. My senior year instead of volleyball and basketball, I started cheer leading. In high school, had a passion for something. Something for me! I haven't had that feeling since my senior year!
My husband and I started dating at the end of our Sophomore year. We knew we were gonna get married right away, sometimes you just know things like that. February of my senior year I got pregnant....we decided we were going to keep the baby. We were happy, my parents were very supportive. Everything was good, but in April after a week of bleeding and bed rest I lost the baby. After that, I became very depressed. I cried a lot! Between April and October I gained 50 pounds, and weighed in at an amazing 180 lbs. In October, my hubby, then live in boyfriend, and I became pregnant again. We were both so happy! We gave birth to a baby girl 9 months later!
I lost all but 5 pounds from my pregnancy pretty quickly. I didn't really do anything to lose it, looking back, I honestly believe I was depressed. Not about the baby, but about the way my life was, my hubby (oh, we got married 4 months before the baby was born) was working out of town, I was alone with the baby, my parents lived hundreds of miles away, all my friends were off at college! Who wouldn't be depressed?
Two years later I was seven months pregnant with our second child. I hadn't gained any weight in that pregnancy. I was working and a busy mama, I also think I was still depressed. My hubby was home now, but we didn't have any money. I worked like 16 hours a week and that was our only income. I think I made like $5.35 an hour. It wasn't good!
When our second daughter was born in October, I became very depressed. It didn't seem like much at first, but after four months, I was having visions of killing myself and hurting the baby. It was horrible and one of the worst things I have ever had to go through! One day my husband drove me to the doctors, my parents met us there. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and put on medication.
I started seeing a therapist and I think that, and the meds, helped. It took about a month and a half for me to start feeling like myself again, but I did. I loved my kids and my family. I was embarrassed of what I had gone through and the feelings that I had, had. Luckily, my husband was incredibly supportive.
15 months after my second daughter was born, I gave birth to our first son. It was an amazing birth. Picture perfect. :) We were a happy family, new house, new baby, two beautiful little girls. It didn't take long for the postpartum depression to sink back in. One week after leaving the hospital, I started having signs that it was back! I called my doctor immediately and they put me on meds. Within two weeks, I was back to me!
I was so happy that I knew the signs of postpartum depression this time. I wish everyone knew more about it. It's just one of those things that even when you know you have it, you still don't want to have to admit it. It's like saying, "hey everyone, look at me. I'm crazy!" The truth is you're not crazy! I believe more people experience it than we know. I'm glad that there is more about it in the media. Word of mouth isn't always a bad thing!
So, after my third child, I weighed 210 pounds. I felt like a blimp. I wasn't exactly skinny, but I was active and I was healthy.
I gave birth to my fourth child two years after my third. Another boy. He was great. The whole experience was relaxing. I choose a midwife for this baby and I think that was probably the best decision I have ever made. She made my whole pregnancy enjoyable. She was very in-tune to my feelings and needs throughout my pregnancy and delivery and NEVER once made me feel fat....something every other doctor failed at!
After my fourth child was born, I weighed 210 lbs. I stayed that way for about a year and then all of a sudden, in one month, I gained 20 lbs. I hadn't done anything different, absolutely nothing in my life changed. If freaked me out a little. So, I went to the doctor....hoping for an answer.
He tested my thyroid and found nothing. He told me I was a healthy woman and I shouldn't worry so much! I didn't care much for his advice, but he was the doctor. Even worse, at that same appointment (which happened to be my annual check up as well), while he was feeling my breasts for lumps and bumps, he said, "did you breast feed all of your children?" (I did breastfeed all of my children and I am a busty woman) I wanted to grab him around the throat and choke him! Who in the world says that to a woman as you are holding her breasts in your hands. Talk about depression! So, now I weigh 230 pounds and I have saggy mom boobs! GREAT! Thanks Doc!
That almost brings me up to now. What I have decided is that depression is the only thing that keeps my weight down. I don't understand it, but I'm very happy now. Have been for the past two years, but that hasn't stopped me from gaining weight. In fact, as of today, I weigh 282 pounds! And the only thing depressing in my life is my weight. I'm happy. REALLY! I'm not just saying that, but I'm not happy with my weight. No one knows how much I weigh. I don't even want to look, but I'm starting something new!
Tomorrow, I will weigh, record it on here and keep track of my struggles and successes with my weight. Every time I have tried to lose weight in the past few years, I have lost weight and then gained it back plus more! The word diet scares the hell out of me! I don't want to weigh any more. I'm pretty good at maintaining my weight....at least for 11 months out of the year. It's that one month that screws me up! So, my hubby is going to lose weight with me. His goal is to lose 50 pounds....my goal, 142 pounds. That's more than 1/2 of me. Yikes! I haven't weighed that little since April 1998.
Hopefully you'll follow me along my journey. Maybe even join me! :)
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