I may have a problem!

So, over the past week I've been fairly active. We went hiking again....I thought I was going to die! I was actually crying on the hike because I couldn't go very fast. The first 1/2 was all up hill (as you'd expect) and I had to stop a lot. My family was way ahead of me, which was fine with me. I didn't want to slow them down or my kids to see me struggling.

It was hard for me. I don't see myself this way. I don't think of me as fat....unless I'm out in public where there are other people around....

My point is, throughout the day, I do not look in the mirror (morning and night are the exception). I go in and out of the bathroom several times a day and I never look in the mirror.....at least, not below my neck. To me, I am still the same skinny person I was in high school. There are always times during the day that I am reminded that I am not that skinny person.

The one that I hate the most is when I get up off the couch. I absolutely hate sitting on our couch when we have company. Especially if I'm wearing jeans. We have a microfiber couch and you can see everything on it. So, when I get up, there is a pocket print left on the couch. My pocket print is about 8 inches wide. Not only is there one pocket print, but there are two and those two HUGE pocket prints are surrounded by the shape of my butt which extends out past the pocket prints. It's sad. I try to not let it bother me, but it does. Especially if I didn't wipe it off when I got up and then I come back to find it later.....which is the way it usually happens!

Okay, back to the hike. So, since I think I'm still a skinny person and I can do what skinny people do. It bothers me when I can't keep up with my family on a hike. These aren't hard hikes. I think we gained like 600 feet in elevation in like a mile and a 1/2. Still, my heart was beating so hard every time I had to stop, I could feel it beating in my eyes and ears. I can hear myself breathing when we are walking up the hills and I hate the fact that other people can hear me too.

At one point along the hike I almost lost it. I had already been crying a little, sad that I was failing so miserably. But at this one point, near the top, I said to my husband, "I can't do it. I can't make it." He told me I could, that I was doing great, and that we were almost to the top. Here I am trying to walk up the damn hill and all I can think about is how fat I am. That I'm carrying a 140 lb person on my back and I'm trying so freaking hard, but I can't do it. I was happy before, sitting on the couch and being fat. It wasn't hard!

But let me tell you, when I made it to the top and I saw the view, it really made me cry. I stood up on a rock and felt so much pride for what I had just accomplished! I know, it's an easy hike, but it wasn't easy for me. I thanked my husband for pushing me. Without him I surely would have turn around and walked back down the hill to the car and I would have missed the beautiful views from the top! I realize now that maybe I failed before because we weren't working out together and when I thought I couldn't do it, I quit. I need him to tell me to keep going and that I'm doing great, even when I don't believe it.

Not only did I take I hike, but I walked home from my older kids school (a little over a mile away) the other day. I was alone, but I was determined that I could do it. I also I walked my youngest son to school (1.3 miles away) with the intention of walking home too. I only made it a little way home then my sister picked me up, but that wasn't by my choice. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't scared to walk to those places. I knew I could make it. It was only a mile or two and it was on flat ground. I knew I could do it because we had been hiking! I love hiking....I may suck at it right now, but it's going to get better!

Oh yeah, I may have a problem. So, I weighed this morning and I weigh 2 lbs more than my last weigh in. I've been eating less than my recommended (goal) calorie intake. Which is 1650 calories a day. I've been eating 1500 something a day (and finally yesterday I didn't feel like I was starving). I religiously (maybe more like obsessively) count calories throughout the day. When I lost weight during the first week, I ate more calories and exercised less. So, if tomorrow when I weigh in, I don't weigh less, I'm going to start eating more.

It's going to be hard for me to up my calorie intake. I went in this morning on calorie count and changed my activity level and it told me my new recommended calorie intake was 1900. So, I'm sure that I need to be eating more, but I don't want to. I've just figured out what I can eat in a day and I've gotten pretty good at getting close to my goal, but now I have to add 300 more calories a day. That's really not that much when you think about it. One more piece of chicken and another piece of bread. Still, I don't like it! I feel like right now, I'm eating and thinking about food like a skinny person! We eat a lot healthier than we ever have, but we haven't limited our choices at all. We can still have whatever we want, which I love!

So, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've almost went into not wanting to eat at all mode. Not that I don't love food, I just don't want to eat to many calories. Right now, I think that's a good thing for me. I have a LOVE for food and we are pretty good cooks which makes it hard to stop eating sometimes!

Oh yeah, and by the way, yesterday we bought a recumbent bike. I rode it for 50 minutes (2 sittings) and went about 10 miles. I can't wait to use it again today!

One last thing....we have also been searching for hiking supplies for our trip next summer. It's fun. We haven't bought anything yet, but we are hoping to add a few things this summer....maybe sleeping bags.

I think we are going to get there. :)