About Me & My Life (The Background Stuff)

Hello! I am a 28 year old mother of 4. I have a wonderful husband. We have been married for 10 years and together for 13. I have been a day care provider for almost 5 years. I've had the same two children the whole time. Recently I added one more child to the group....still trying to see where that will go.

Two years ago I went back to school to pursue a degree in teaching. This was hard for me because I always thought I was going to be a stay at home mom. I didn't see the need for a career outside of the home. However, I think my struggles with depression for the eight years before that helped me decide I needed a change.

I love being a mother and wife more than anything in the world, but for 10 years I have put myself second. Always making time for others and never for myself! Going back to school was my way of making time for me. It gave me a few hours out of the house every week. I think it has been a great confidence booster!

This June I will graduate from college with my associates degree. In June I will also transfer to a larger school to get my bachelors in teaching. I am excited to start my new journey at a new school.

Before marriage, I was still in high school. So, my life after high school, in the "real world," has been mostly marriage and kids and it has taken a toll on my body and my mind. Going back to college has helped my mind, but my body....well, that's another story!

In high school, I was skinny. Although I didn't know it at the time! We never do right? :) I played volleyball, basketball, and was a cheerleader. I loved basketball. I even believed I had a chance to play college ball....I was hoping for Stanford. Okay, you may be thinking she must have been pretty good.....no, I wasn't. I was alright, but not great and on top of that, I'm only 5 foot 7, okay 6. The beginning of my Junior year our volleyball team lost a game pretty badly. So, after the game our coach had us stay after and serve for what seemed like hours. I hurt my right shoulder that night. I finished out the season keeping stats for the football team. Basketball started in December and I started it with my team. I had my shoulder strapped into a brace, but I had figured out how to shoot with it on. A couple weeks in, I was warming up before a game, shooting around, and my shoulder just gave way. It hurt so bad, my mom took me straight to the doctor, I missed the whole game. He scheduled me to meet with a specialist and which lead to right shoulder surgery the day after Christmas. My senior year instead of volleyball and basketball, I started cheer leading. In high school, had a passion for something. Something for me! I haven't had that feeling since my senior year!

My husband and I started dating at the end of our Sophomore year. We knew we were gonna get married right away, sometimes you just know things like that. February of my senior year I got pregnant....we decided we were going to keep the baby. We were happy, my parents were very supportive. Everything was good, but in April after a week of bleeding and bed rest I lost the baby. After that, I became very depressed. I cried a lot! Between April and October I gained 50 pounds, and weighed in at an amazing 180 lbs. In October, my hubby, then live in boyfriend, and I became pregnant again. We were both so happy! We gave birth to a baby girl 9 months later!

I lost all but 5 pounds from my pregnancy pretty quickly. I didn't really do anything to lose it, looking back, I honestly believe I was depressed. Not about the baby, but about the way my life was, my hubby (oh, we got married 4 months before the baby was born) was working out of town, I was alone with the baby, my parents lived hundreds of miles away, all my friends were off at college! Who wouldn't be depressed?

Two years later I was seven months pregnant with our second child. I hadn't gained any weight in that pregnancy. I was working and a busy mama, I also think I was still depressed. My hubby was home now, but we didn't have any money. I worked like 16 hours a week and that was our only income. I think I made like $5.35 an hour. It wasn't good!

When our second daughter was born in October, I became very depressed. It didn't seem like much at first, but after four months, I was having visions of killing myself and hurting the baby. It was horrible and one of the worst things I have ever had to go through! One day my husband drove me to the doctors, my parents met us there. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and put on medication.

I started seeing a therapist and I think that, and the meds, helped. It took about a month and a half for me to start feeling like myself again, but I did. I loved my kids and my family. I was embarrassed of what I had gone through and the feelings that I had, had. Luckily, my husband was incredibly supportive.

15 months after my second daughter was born, I gave birth to our first son. It was an amazing birth. Picture perfect. :) We were a happy family, new house, new baby, two beautiful little girls. It didn't take long for the postpartum depression to sink back in. One week after leaving the hospital, I started having signs that it was back! I called my doctor immediately and they put me on meds. Within two weeks, I was back to me!

I was so happy that I knew the signs of postpartum depression this time. I wish everyone knew more about it. It's just one of those things that even when you know you have it, you still don't want to have to admit it. It's like saying, "hey everyone, look at me. I'm crazy!" The truth is you're not crazy! I believe more people experience it than we know. I'm glad that there is more about it in the media. Word of mouth isn't always a bad thing!

So, after my third child, I weighed 210 pounds. I felt like a blimp. I wasn't exactly skinny, but I was active and I was healthy.

I gave birth to my fourth child two years after my third. Another boy. He was great. The whole experience was relaxing. I choose a midwife for this baby and I think that was probably the best decision I have ever made. She made my whole pregnancy enjoyable. She was very in-tune to my feelings and needs throughout my pregnancy and delivery and NEVER once made me feel fat....something every other doctor failed at!

After my fourth child was born, I weighed 210 lbs. I stayed that way for about a year and then all of a sudden, in one month, I gained 20 lbs. I hadn't done anything different, absolutely nothing in my life changed. If freaked me out a little. So, I went to the doctor....hoping for an answer.

He tested my thyroid and found nothing. He told me I was a healthy woman and I shouldn't worry so much! I didn't care much for his advice, but he was the doctor. Even worse, at that same appointment (which happened to be my annual check up as well), while he was feeling my breasts for lumps and bumps, he said, "did you breast feed all of your children?" (I did breastfeed all of my children and I am a busty woman) I wanted to grab him around the throat and choke him! Who in the world says that to a woman as you are holding her breasts in your hands. Talk about depression! So, now I weigh 230 pounds and I have saggy mom boobs! GREAT! Thanks Doc!

That almost brings me up to now. What I have decided is that depression is the only thing that keeps my weight down. I don't understand it, but I'm very happy now. Have been for the past two years, but that hasn't stopped me from gaining weight. In fact, as of today, I weigh 282 pounds! And the only thing depressing in my life is my weight. I'm happy. REALLY! I'm not just saying that, but I'm not happy with my weight. No one knows how much I weigh. I don't even want to look, but I'm starting something new!

Tomorrow, I will weigh, record it on here and keep track of my struggles and successes with my weight. Every time I have tried to lose weight in the past few years, I have lost weight and then gained it back plus more! The word diet scares the hell out of me! I don't want to weigh any more. I'm pretty good at maintaining my weight....at least for 11 months out of the year. It's that one month that screws me up! So, my hubby is going to lose weight with me. His goal is to lose 50 pounds....my goal, 142 pounds. That's more than 1/2 of me. Yikes! I haven't weighed that little since April 1998.

Hopefully you'll follow me along my journey. Maybe even join me! :)