268.8 ~ Down a little.

Well, I lost a little more weight.  Haven't been exercising, haven't had time....or really will.  Which I guess is why I haven't MADE time.  My life has been so freaking crazy the past 3 weeks.  I am just happy I made it through them.  Many more bad ones to come I'm sure.  I need to go workout tonight, but I probably won't.  I have homework to do and shopping to do and yada, yada, yada.  It would probably be good for me to go, but I do need to do everything else still....

Yet, I wasted a whole day doing nothing, but playing with pictures.  I could have gone to the gym today or done my homework today or even taken a shower today...WTF is wrong with me?  My husband would say nothing, I just have a stressful life and I need breaks once in awhile.  I'd say he's right, but working out could be a break if I wanted it to be.  I'm just to lazy to do anything productive!  That's irritating!

So, yes I lost weight.  No it probably won't stay off!  And no, I'm not going to the gym tonight.  I say later and later never comes.  Until it's to late that is.  So, for today, I continue to say later.....

271.5 (First weigh-in after purchasing gym membership)

What a good week! I can't complain about a 3 lb loss!

We worked out 3 days in a row last week, then had to skip a day, because we ran out of time. Then the next day I was planning 2 workouts so I worked out in the morning. That night, we didn't have a chance to workout again. So, I was glad I got in my little workout that morning. Still, I was disappointed. Then the next day we traveled to my mothers -- which is never good for my eating habits. We stayed the night and came home late last night. So, another 2 days without a workout. It was a positive start and a lousy ending to the week. Still, it resulted in a loss! YIPEE!

I hope my hubby did just as well or better. He had one less workout than me, but he always works harder than me at everything so he should still be fine! Today it may be hard to find time to workout again....we need to celebrate Valentines day with our kiddos today and I'm trying to plan a workout to fit into all this! :)

The even better news for the weekend is that we had 200 boxes of Girl Scout cookies at our house and I didn't eat any (except at my moms). Of course, they weren't all for us! :) I didn't even (and still haven't) have any craving or urge to eat them....they're just there and I don't want them! LOVE IT! I'm hoping to get them out of the house before I change my mind!

So, I'm happy about this weeks loss....hopefully I can get in all my workouts for this week. Another 3 lbs would be awesome for this week....although, in the back of my head I'm hoping for 5 or more! This is how I continually set myself up for failure.

Hopefully, I won't be disappointed if I lose less than 3.......

Gym Membership!

Well, I took another step towards success.....HOPEFULLY! I purchased a year long pass to a fitness center. It cost a fortune so hopefully I'll use it! My goal is to work out everyday -- planning to spend 1 1/2 hours at the gym.

We did just that tonight! We went and worked out for most of that time...of course, there is always down time while waiting for machines or trying to figure out how to use them! I started with the bike. I rode it for 30 minutes and averaged 18 mph. I went a little over 9 miles. It was awesome! My record at home was 7 miles in 30 minutes. I worked my butt off and I was pretty proud of myself. Then we moved on to weights! My arms are sore tonight though so hopefully I'll be sore tomorrow! Not too sore though! I need to be able to go back!

I only have 6 months to be in shape for our hike....less time for the wedding we are going to and even less time for the PE class I have to take this summer. I think that an hour and a half at the gym will help...I hope so anyways!

I did well on my calorie intake today too. I do want some chocolate right now though. I'm hoping to fend that off for a little longer....like until I go to bed!

Over all though, a great start to my gym membership! Yeah for us! :)

LONG TIME

~tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this entry~

A really long time has gone by since my last post and really since I've exercised. School started again and I have been dragging my feet to do anything. Then my grandma has been in the hospital and she died just a couple weeks ago. My life has been full of ups and downs since the last time I posted. The weird thing about me is that when I'm stressed out or REALLY happy, I eat a LOT! When I'm depressed, I don't eat very much. Unfortunately (I guess) for me, since we have moved to Vancouver, I have been more stressed out and happy and a lot less depressed.

I'm glad I'm happy, but it makes it so that I don't notice that I'm fat. I'm just so happy being the person that I am, that I don't notice that I'm way over weight, I can't bend over to tie my shoes, I can't shave my legs well, I can't paint my toe nails, and I can't keep up with my kids. I guess that when I'm happy, I'm in denial that I'm fat. It makes it hard to stay on track when I keep telling myself that I look good....and I really believe it.

I'm reminded of how fat I am every Tuesday night when the contestants of "Biggest Loser" weigh in and they weigh less than me, but still look uncomfortably huge. I'm also reminded of how fat I am when my friends talk to me about the diet they are on, what exercise program they are doing, or what pill they are now taking to make them skinny. Also, every time I walk into my children's school or when I hear people making fun of fat people. This week, we went to a Blazer game. I was having a great time, and then the showed this lady in the crowd who had won Subway for a year. She was heavier, and the guy sitting next to me starting cracking up. He was hysterical that this FATASS lady had won Subway for a year. He carried on for quite some time and I really wanted to punch him in the face. He has no idea why that lady is fat....So, that was extra depressing 'cause I'm sitting right next to him and I am fatter than that lady was.

We are supposed to take a long hike this August...that leaves me about 6 months to get into shape to take this hike. I have to get my butt in gear, but I never have time or motivation when I have the time. We have been buying stuff here and there to keep us motivated to work out....so far, it's only stressed me out that I won't be ready in time. I know how hard I have to work to get ready for this. I'm just not thinking positively enough. Instead, I'm thinking that those diet pills sound pretty good....or surgery would be nice.

Today, I decided to write in my journal again and get back into this because I was depressed. Last night we went to an event for my daughter. One of the moms there was getting her picture taken by her husband....it made me think. My husband never takes my picture any more. It's like he doesn't even think about it...which makes me think that I'm not pretty enough (because I'm too fat) to have my picture taken. I took a bunch of pictures of me with his phone and he erased them all. I think he's embarrassed of me and that hurts me a lot. I never wanted to be this size...EVER! I just don't know what to do now to fix it. I feel like it's a lost cause!

This summer, we also have a wedding and I have to take another PE class with my classmates. I have to be able to make it through all of these events and the only way I can is by losing weight....I just don't know how!

Hopefully my journal will help again...it helped before!

22 Days without a POST.....YIKES!

Well, I'm not sure where I left off, but I know where I've been.

I haven't lost any more weight since the last time I blogged. I haven't gained any either. I also haven't exercised or put my food into calorie count.....up until 9 days ago.

9 days ago, I tried to start counting calories again, but failed. So, yesterday, I started again. I put the food I ate yesterday in. I was over my goal for the day, but not by much. I also got back on the bike and rode it 6 miles. I was riding it 7 miles in 30 minutes, but I'll have to work back up to 7 miles. Oh, and I lifted weights for 20 minutes yesterday....nothing fancy, just curls, but my arms are a little sore! That's good right!

This morning, I rode the bike 6 miles again, but I didn't lift weights. I'll do that again tomorrow. I think my arms needed a little break. Anyways, it feels great to be exercising again! I felt much happier yesterday! I'm very happy for that! :)

So, hopefully I'm back on track.....hopefully forever, but probably for now. The great news is, I didn't gain any weight while I was off my diet. :) That also makes me happy!

Sometimes, I just forget how badly I want to be skinny! I really do want to be skinny. At least be able to feel good in my clothes. And I really want to be able to look at a picture of myself and not judge me.....or crop me out of it. That'll be so AWESOME! I think it's going to happen!

Oh, on a lighter note! The Seahawks play this Saturday! YIPEE! :) I'll have to have healthier snacks handy. It's still pre-season so we don't get into it quite as much, but once the real season starts, I need to be prepared! :)

Another Bad Week!

Okay! I get it! I need to count calories, but I honestly didn't think I was going to be doing it for the rest of my life! I thought I was doing pretty good this week. I haven't rode the bike like I should have, but I did take a 4 hour hike.

Still, I weigh more this week than last. I think it does have a little to do with the heat and probably something to do with my scale, but still!!!

Yesterday I weighed even more and when I weigh more than the week before, it ruins my whole day. I had the worst day yesterday!

I know I have to start counting calories again, but am I going to have to do it forever?

Whoops! Forgot My Weigh In!

I put in my weight last night...I was a day late! I didn't realize it until I asked my hubby if he had put in his weight for the day. He let me know that yesterday was actually Thursday. Boy how times flies when I'm in school! I weighed the same both days so it didn't really matter.

I weighed 263.5....I lost 2 lbs this week. Still not back to where I was two weeks ago! It's a start though!

I've had a rough week! I guess I've had a rough couple weeks as far as my diet goes! But this week I finished a class, had a couple papers to write, met my cousin for drinks and music until 2 am, and oh yeah....my grandma was in a car wreck....she's still in the hospital. Life is always a challenge when dieting! And now it's hot again. So, I'm really swollen.

I have two weeks of school left. I can't wait two more weeks to get my butt in gear! I'm setting my next goal for Wednesday today! My goal for this week is to be in the 50s. We'll see! First step: work out!

Frogs at June Lake

June Lake

Yesterday we went hiking on the south side of Mount Saint Helens. It was so awesome. You can see St. Helens in the background of this picture.

We hiked up to June Lake. It was only 2.8 miles....thank goodness! We were really out of shape. We shouldn't have taken any time off! Seriously! It was bad.

We made it to the lake though. It was nice. We let the kids take their shoes and socks off and get their feet wet in the lake; they found three frogs in the lake and were able to catch two of them. They had a great time catching frogs and cooling off in the lake. They also learned some history about St. Helens.

We also took a short walk through the lava beds and collected some ash. While we were taking pictures there: water started coming down the trench. It was pretty neat to see how quickly the water came through.

When we were almost back to the car, we stopped down by the river. We found another frog there....he/she was bigger and faster; the kids weren't able to catch it.

It was an amazing hike. We spent about 3 hours there....either on the trail, at the lake, in the lava beds, or down by the river.

It was really hard. Especially since we had taken such a long break. I hadn't been riding the bike like a good girl either. The kids and I were dreading the hike. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to have to do the work. I think this was an important hike for me. It showed me that even if I take time off (hopefully I'll never have to take that much time off again) I can start over. It doesn't matter if I've failed for a week...or 3. All that matters is that I try again! I'm proud of myself for going again.

While I was relaxing at the Lake, enjoying it's beauty, I realized that I had to get back on track. I so desperately want to go hiking in the Wallowa's with my hubby next summer....really, I'd love to go this summer; I'm just not physically ready yet. The lake was amazing. It had a mirror finish...so calm and serene. Two water falls dropped into the lake. It was just amazing. I could have stayed there all day; maybe for a couple days. I'm excited to get back on track. I'm want to hike on the north side of St. Helens now. I want to see more of its history and magic.

After we finished our hike at June Lake, we took a side trip to the Lewis River Lower Falls. It's a short walk down to the view point where you can see the falls. They had information about the falls and the the Indians that once lived in the area. They were so beautiful and HUGE! I could just picture Indians standing on the rocks fishing for salmon. The falls are near a camp ground. We plan to return to the camp ground and stay for a couple days....hopefully this summer. You could also walk down to the falls, but we were a little nervous with the kids.

It is TRUELY amazing what beautiful things we have hiding in our backyard....there has been free entertainment right here the whole time....who knew! I'm just so happy we are taking our kids to enjoy these natural wonders while they are young. Hopefully they will have some favorite spots to take their children when they grow up!

I love hiking; it helps you to forget about all the troubles of life. I am really looking forward to our big trip.....I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a hiking birthday gift. ;)

Until then, I need to get back into gear! I have a goal....I'm not going to reach it if I don't continue to try!

My Late Night Tears......

So, I broke down a little last night. I'm just wore out from school & my crazy life.

It sucks that I gained back my weight so easily! It really scares me. Tears came to my eyes as I thought about being fat for the rest of my life. I don't want to be. I really want to go hiking with my hubby next summer and be able to make it. I also want my kids to be healthy.

Last weeks weight gain could have more to do with water weight and stress (like my hubby thinks) than actually gaining from eating to much, but maybe not. I guess I won't know until Wednesday.

We are going hiking tomorrow. It's the only day that it's going to be sunny. It'll be hot, but I'm really excited to get back out there. I'm a little worried I won't be able to make it. It's been awhile. I haven't even rode the bike. I'll just have to remember the first hike we went on; it was really hard and took a long time, but we made it. :)

I have a long way to go and giving up now won't help anyone!

Well, Don't Fall Off the Wagon!!

Ahhhhhhh...........

I weighed today. It was the first time I had to put in more weight than the week before. I weighed 3 pounds more.

It doesn't feel good. Now, I haven't lost 20 lbs. I really need to get it together! But now, I feel like quitting again. Seriously! I took one freaking weekend off....I didn't even eat that much. I had cake on my daughters birthday and alcohol on the 4th. I skipped breakfast and didn't eat a lot of dinner either day. We just had crappy lunches on those days. So, I'm a little depressed about my ability to keep the weight off even if.....WHEN.....I lose another 120 + pounds. I can't lose all that and gain it back. It will seriously kill me!

So, for now, I have to go, but I'm going to be blogging more because I think it helps me and I need that now. Especially since I want to give up!

I need a day to think about it. Maybe I'll blog again tonight..................